Dear Mr Monarch,
I hope my letter finds you in good health. I am writing to you to give my thanks for a glorious flight home last night.
I must say it was awfully considerate of you to delay our flight by 45 minutes to allow the time for extra shopping. I did, of course, manage to spend money that I don't really have spare, on alcohol that I did not really need. The delayed wait also allowed time to splash out on the bountiful cafes offered at Tenerife South airport on beverages, which were of course very reasonably priced. I paid a mere €3.50 for a bottle of diet coke, of which I savoured every mouthful.
Much to my delight, there was none of that scrambling and queuing for half an hour before your flight to get a seat, as your rival airline, easyJet, allows. Very efficient of you. I really took pleasure in being allocated the very back row on the plane, where you feel the full throttle of the engines and the plane's tail lagging as you take off. That's a seat I scramble for every time I fly with easyJet.
And the seats, what luxury! My bare legs thoroughly relished in the exfoliation that the material offered - in a beauty salon, that treat would have cost me at least £40. The legroom was ample for my petite 5'2" height. However, my boyfriend and the stranger to my left hand side were, frankly, unbearably rude. Their legs spilled into my leg space and their shoulders both took up half of my seat. Obviously, their invasion of my personal space is nothing to do with the lack of space given to customers on your part, as the best things do come in small packages and I'm sure you only want the best flying on your planes.
The in flight entertainment was a blast. Never have I enjoyed missing sleep quite so much to over hear air hostesses gossiping about other members of your staff who I do not know and a new contract which, apparently, cuts their holiday almost in half - good on you! Nothing like cutting a bit of holiday from employees contracts to put them in their place.
We landed and I felt as refreshed from that cleverly recycled air used in your plane. Almost as refreshed as man who has not washed for a month and has been living in a heap of horse manure. And thanks for combating my combination skin problem; every area of my face left the plane as dry as the Sahara.
So, even with all of these fantastic aspects of my flight home with your company yesterday, I sorrowfully must inform you that next time I do intend to splash out a little more, and book my flights with BA.
Regretfully no longer yours,